Warning, also pretty long oops. Also there is a part 1 lol...
Ups and downs of my FC experience - Part 2
Months passed, and I continued to up my game as an officer. I began to plan out bigger events with prize pools such as a glamour fashion show. I helped officers get their events sorted out such as assisting with the planning and setup. I recruited harder - improving my recruitment ad to be more detailed and fleshed out. It proved successful as I got at least one recruit interested a week compared to one recruit a month with my previous ads. I tried asking those who joined after a few weeks or so what they thought of the FC, the good and the bad. I wanted to improve. I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t know if the things I was doing were right or wrong.
And this would be a theme with me. I wanted feedback on everything I did as an officer. I constantly bombarded the officer’s chat with my ideas. I never did things without a majority approval. If I didn’t get it, I wouldn’t do it at all. I created a text channel for members to leave suggestions on the FC as a whole. Things we did good or bad. I would give them fair consideration.
But thinking back on it, I never really got the feedback I wanted. I wanted to know what I was doing poorly in, but none of the officers would tell me to my face. It seems I wanted something unattainable for something silly as an FC. I desired being able to have a constructive conversation where people can tell me that I’m wrong. Something I learned later on is that my other officers seemed to think that I believe I am perfect and it’s my way or the highway. Almost every decision I made was approved. Every suggestion I made was accepted almost without question. Every suggestion they made somehow needed my approval. That they feared my disapproval. This irked me - because after all my opinion is just an opinion, not a law. I didn’t want this weight.
This belief they seemed to have is so far from the truth. I fake my confidence in my decisions. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know if how I’m handling things from an officer perspective is even right half the time. Hence why I seek approval for everything officer-related I do. But my other officers aren’t willing to give me that feedback, especially negative, to my face.
You might get the inkling that I became the leader by the way I’m talking. That is somewhat true. To give context, our leader in the beginning didn’t want an FC this large. They just wanted a small FC full of friends to raid with. They didn’t want to be a leader in this way for this large of an FC (50-ish members). Additionally, they were hit with personal tragedy and desired to step away for a bit. With no clear leader, I unknowingly and eventually became the unofficial spokesperson/leader for the FC, since no one seemed to step up to the plate.
But I didn’t want to be. I was never an officer or leader in any MMO before. I only wanted to help others, not to be a leader. It was out of my depth. It wasn’t something I wanted to do. And things became unenjoyable. I felt the FC needed a clear leader, someone who wanted to be. That wasn’t me though. Throughout this period of doubt, cracks were forming. The events that transpired weeks after I rejoined never left me. I was disenchanted with the FC. And this disenchantment would increase as within a few months, most if not all the officers became busy due to either savage/ultimate raiding or in real life circumstances. All the events such as treasure hunts and raid nights fell upon just me to organize and host. Half the time, we wouldn’t even get enough but I would still fret and stress out over it. Our officers usually participated to fill the numbers, but with them gone for the most part, we struggled to host these events. This continued for a month or so.
I tried to find some workaround or solution to help ease the workload. I tried recruiting more officers (with permission of course), however, no one but one person applied. We made them an officer and I appreciated them willing to help out. But it started to feel hopeless at that point. I couldn’t take it anymore. I wasn’t enjoying playing a game that I play to enjoy myself. I wanted to leave for what would be the final time.
So I told them in the officer’s chat. I wanted out and I was going to leave. Some of the other officers sought to dissuade me from this stating to give it time for their in real life situations to resolve so they could help out again. But to me it wasn’t just that, within weeks after I rejoined, seeds of doubt of wanting to stay in the FC grew. My officer friend, seeing me saying I wanted to leave, also stated they were planning to leave as well (not surprising considering the drama before). After seeing that we wouldn’t be dissuaded, they relented. And a week later, we both left.
But before we left, there were some goodbyes. Two of the FC members that participated in my FC events sent me a /tell thanking me for taking time to host events, even as one of them going as far as to give me valuable in-game items. This meant a lot to me, as it symbolized that maybe my efforts to do things for the FC weren’t useless. However, a few of the remaining officers started treating my officer friend and I passively aggressively. But I rubbed it off, seeing as they were probably upset we were leaving and it wasn’t personal. I went to world transfer back to be with the friends that got me playing FFXIV. My friend opted to join his friend’s FC.
Eventually, I did find an FC that seemed to suit me more. I felt a lot better. It didn’t feel like I was obligated to do what essentially felt like a job that I didn’t enjoy. This feeling didn’t last very long as I heard rumors from my officer friend (who still keeps in contact with my old FC than I do) that I was being bad-mouthed. Apparently, our leader had said to him “after they [me] left, the FC seems to be doing much better”. It really didn’t hurt me, but it definitely felt odd and strange for them to say. Many days later, I got a friend request on Discord stating that they saw my recruitment ad for my old FC and they wanted to join. I told them I left. They asked why. I could’ve bad mouthed my old FC there and then, but simply just opted to say something along the lines of “I didn’t fit in”. I then offered to get into contact with the old FC and get them in which they accepted - and they were in.
It wasn’t until weeks later when my officer friend spoke to me about some things that were said to them that really irked them. Showing me a screenshot, an officer from my old FC was trying to get my officer friend back in. When they tried to get my friend back into the FC back, they claimed “you should rejoin now that Hitler- I mean that other officer [me] is gone.” I was never compared to Hitler before, so a first for everything I suppose. This one stung and hurt, not only because I did consider that person who said that a friend, but also because I did everything not to be like that in my time in the old FC. Just trying to talk about this outloud with some of my friends did get me emotional.
So what’s the point of telling people this? Nothing really, I just wanted to vent to some outlet lol. I’ve read a lot of FC horror stories and it’s a bit weird for me to really consider this one (I really don’t really consider this a “horror” story). But taking time to think about the entire situation...makes me feel lucky that I actually decided to leave.
Also why the heck did I write to what is basically a 5 page essay on this >_>