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I can't sing (I'm tone deaf). And, while I do know the difference between a bass fiddle and a bass, the kind you find in a river, I could probably play a bass, the fish, better than a bass, the fiddle.

So why am I a bard? Because the Bard's Guild has good benefits, including medical, dental, optometry, and a decent retirement plan. The archer's guild? Bah! If we're lucky we get a new bow from those guys every five promotions. Wow.... So, I became a bard.

The drawback to being a member of the Bard's Guild, beside having people think I can sing or play a musical instrument, is;

1: This huge, stupid thing I have to carry on my back! Really! Look at it! It's enormous! It's a harp AND a bow? Who's bright idea was that?!?!

Listen, with a name like "Longshot," I know a little about archery. Actually, a lot. I come from a long line of archers. My family has, for generations, distinguished themselves, for defending the realm, fighting the good fight, splitting arrows, blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada, all that. So, I can tell you what makes a "good" bow. And it's NOT this thing. Stupid.

2. The Bard's Guild requires that I wear this godsawful "uniform." Seriously? Who designed it? Some misogynistic, sexist, little man-boy who's probably never actually talked to a real women, that's who! I'm supposed to "represent" the Guild in this thing? One stiff breeze and I go from Bard singer to Burlesque dancer!

Then there's the shoes. My job often finds me in dungeons, caves, battlegrounds, and other places unsuited to HIGH HEELS! HIGH HEELS?!?! Again, a male moron's idea. Idiots who think with their testicles.

Add that the puffy sleeves of the blouse and the brim of the hat get in the way of the bow and the bowstring, and you have the most impractical, non-functional, useless "uniform" ever designed. It's only saving grace is that I am a woman wearing it. Have you seen the male Bards in this outfit?!?! Now THAT's comedy! Those poor guys....

So, if you're in need of a bard, just ask me. Oh, I don't mean me of course. But I do know some good bards. As long you like your men dressed in high heels and colorful tights!