キャラクター

Kahori Harukawa's Fat Chocobo...isn't what you think it is. While it is seldom-used by Lady Harukawa (she prefers her husband-turned-chocobo companion Ryouichi Kyougoku), this pudgy ton of love actually has a secret she wants to personally disclose. Here is the narrated transcript, as recorded at Moraby Bay, Lower La Noscea.

---OOO---

Hello, people. I am a fat chocobo. Except, I am not really a fat chocobo. I am actually a morbidly obese Hyur male turned female inside a fat chocobo suit designed to simulate the genuine article. So, I want to explain how this all came about.

I love eating. To eat is to enjoy life. To starve is to die without hope or happiness. This is why I was a proud citizen of Limsa Lominsa, the culinary capital of Eorzea. I was a gormandizer. One day, I got too carried away with my antics and was sent to Mordion Gaol to await a sentence from the Admiral of the Maelstrom. This is what was written.

---

Dear Androgynous Manchild,

On the 1st Sun of the Second Umbral Moon (Nymeia) 2017, you were reported to have committed a number of crimes in violation of the local law and customs. The offenses are listed below.

1. You registered at the Adventurers Guild under the name Androgynous Manchild, which is in violation of proper naming customs related to decency and modesty.
2. You had consumed all of the supplies at the Culinarians' Guild, forcing a collective shutdown of operations for one full week, resulting in the applications of approximately 200-300 prospective members rejected.
3. You had ran inside our city walls with no clothes on, including no underwear, harassing our townspeople to no end.

As a result of these crimes, a list of lifetime sanctions have been imposed.

1. You will be changed into a Hyur female registered under the name Cecilia Friday.
2. You will not be allowed to access to any of the cities in Eorzea. Access to the surrounding countryside remains unchanged in which your movement is unrestricted.
3. You will need to wear a specially designed Fat Chocobo mount outfit and work as a mount for Kahori Harukawa of Gridania, a member of the Order of the Twin Adder and the Celebrity! Free Company, allied to the Immortal Flames of Ul'dah.
4. You are not to show your actual apperance to anyone, including your rider.
5. When communicating, you must be in your Fat Chocobo outfit carrying your rider.
6. Three Spriggans have been assigned to play a special hymn indicative of unhealthy gluttony and total disregard for your fellow citizens. One will play a tuba, another a trombone, the last a timpani set. All will perform out of your sight and will only play when you appear in the open conducting your job as a mount.

These lifetime sanctions are enforced with immediate effect. Any violations of these sanctions is subject to the death penalty.

Regards,

Merlwyb Bloefhiswyn
Admiral, The Maelstrom
Limsa Lominsa, La Noscea

---

So with that, I am now a mount for Lady Harukawa, who I simply call Boss since she is my boss. Sisipu, who operates the Fisherman's Guild, asked boss, "Kahori, has ventriloquism been introduced to Eorzea? Your Fat Chocobo can understand and speak our tongues!" I then said to Sis, "Hey, I'm actually a big fat Hyur inside this thing. I just happen to be strong enough to carry my boss places for long periods of time." He then said, "My mistake..." I do provide occasional key tips for farmers when I am visiting Summerford my with boss since I am familiar with best practices to improve productivity. It's super effective.

In my Fat Chocobo suit, I can actually digest Gysahl Greens like they were La Noscean Lettuce, a similar-looking vegetable. But I actually like chicken. I am addicted to chicken. Chicken is love, chicken is life. When I am not serving my boss, I am in a place in the aether where I relax, eating issued foods from veteran culinarians. I can't tell you where it is, nor what I actually where as that would get me put to death, but just know that I actually am alive when I am not summoned. You are free to speculate on this as this is part of the so-called lore you compose for outsiders to peruse and gush over; this is in no way my problem to sort out, it's yours! I guess being a Fat Chocobo that can talk like a regular Eorzean has given my boss added reputation but like I said, that up to you lore writers to convolute. Good luck.

Anyway, as I was saying I like to have my chicken twice-deep fried with a special coating of sunset wheat and rye flours, ala mhigan mustard and blood pepper (the Eorzean version of the ghost pepper), garnished with waffles drenched with rich maple syrup and silky smooth butter and deep-fried pototo chips, also twice-cooked in a (not-so?) secret blend of clove and lavender oils with dashes of table salt and black pepper. That is my usual breakfast, but I have been also used to test new recipes from the Culinarians' Guild, as well as consume other food that culinarians don't want in their inventory or for their retainers to keep. That way, my belly is always full and nothing is wasted. I also make amends with the guild by being a taste tester and a big eater.

But remember, Friday loves chicken. I kinda wish the Spriggan volunteer mercenary ensemble cranked out "Tusk" by Fleetwood Mac as my theme song instead, though...kweh.